


Screwed (In the Best of Ways)

by sebastian2017



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: M/M, most of it is UST and then a kiss at the end, serioiusly kind of annoying Eggsy, spoiled and rich Eggsy, valet Merlin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 08:39:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5999308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sebastian2017/pseuds/sebastian2017
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the Merwin gift exchange. Eggsy is from new money. His family had a habit of overspending to compensating for the lack of a good name. As a result, Eggsy winds up growing into a spoiled brat. His parents decide to hire a valet to mellow Eggsy down. Who do they hire? None other than Merlin, possibly the only person on the planet with enough cheek to match Eggsy's.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Screwed (In the Best of Ways)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sheepie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sheepie/gifts).



> this prompt just begged for smut, but I don't write smut. sorry about that ;__;

The Unwins weren't a family from old money. Will Unwin had come along a small fortune through endless determination, some basic business knowledge, and a whole lot of luck. He'd passed his small fortune along to his first born son Lee, who had turned a small fortune into a rather large one. Lee had a son of his own and though Eggsy complained and rebelled and insisted he wasn't going into the family business, plans were already set for Eggsy to inherit the business and the money and amass even more wealth than his grandfather had ever dreamt possible. 

There was no shortage of wealth for the Unwins. They owned a manor in the most expensive neighborhood London had to offer. Their property was tended to by butlers and maids and gardeners. The children were sent off to the best schools money could buy. Their driveway housed an array of luxury sports cars and personal drivers for each member of the family. Lee and Michelle kept themselves and their children well stocked in ways to flaunt their wealth, but for all the money they had, they lacked the most important thing of all. A good family name with a long history of wealth. 

There were still those who sneered down at them and at social gatherings, there were bound to be groups of old money families doing their best to exclude them. As such, the Unwins had a habit of overcompensating whenever possible. So for their son's seventeenth birthday, they'd added a private valet for their son to their small army of staff. By twenty-three, Eggsy had already managed to scare away eleven of the valets his parents had hired for him. He took great pride in being absolutely insufferable to all his valets. His parents had quite enough of it by the time they were hiring the twelfth one.

"You need to start behaving, Eggsy," Lee warned. "This is getting ridiculous."

Eggsy had been called up to his father's private office. Away from the prying eyes of their staff, where he didn't need to worry about pretending to care. He shrugged and fiddled with the embroidery on the chair beneath him. "You know I think having a valet is stupid. Just stop hiring glorified babysitters for me and I'll behave."

"They're not babysitters. They're valets. A sign of high society. You should be grateful, not doing your best to run through them like pieces of candy," Lee said. 

Eggsy scoffed. "Or what? You'll send me off to military school or something? I'm twenty-three, Dad. There aren't too many threats you can hold over my head."  
"Gary." 

"What? It's true! If I don't want a stupid valet, you shouldn't be forcing me into getting one." 

"Your mother and I have already accomadated you so much, Eggsy. We let you stay in gymnastics even after your grades started slipping, we let you stay closer to home for uni instead of going to Cambridge like your grandfather and I, we let you take those two years off to travel, we even let you loiter around the house for the last year and become a goddamn socialite instead of starting to work. So if all your mother and I ask for in return is that you get a valet, you will cease your whining and take the valet. Is that understood?" 

Eggsy fought for a while longer, but ultimately, he lost that argument. His father hired a new valet for him and he was to arrive in a handful of days. Eggsy was definitely not looking forward to it, but for all that he was constantly complaining, he knew there wasn't much he could really do. There were too many things that came into play. Annoying things like family names and reputations. Things Eggsy didn't really care about, but needed to mind for his family's sake. 

HIs father had told him his new valet would arrive Saturday, but Eggsy hadn't been expecting that to mean he'd be woken by the man. A quick glance at hs alarm clock told him it was just barely past eight and he rolled onto his side and tugged his blankets further up on his shoulders. He refused to be up before lunchtime on Saturdays, despite his parents' constant complaints that he was too lazy. 

"Five more minutes," he grumbled. It was usually his mother or one of the maids who came to wake him on the weekends and they always left him alone after a few minutes of whining. 

"I'm afraid your father told me I wasn't to let you bully me into letting you sleep in." 

Eggsy didn't recognize that voice. He knew everyone's voices. If he didn't recognize the voice, that meant... Eggsy sat up immediately. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and glared accusingly at the stranger at his bedside. The stranger was in the same uniform as all the rest of Eggsy's valets, leading Eggsy to the conclusion that his father had decided to spring Eggsy's new valet on him by surprise. 

"Who the fuck are you?" Eggsy grumbled. 

He answered, "Merlin. Your new valet." 

"Merlin? The fuck kind of a name is that?" Eggsy got up out of bed and put his dressing robe on. "Sounds fake as fuck."

Merlin replied cooly, "Coming from a boy who goes by Eggsy? Master Unwin, I'm afraid you're not really in a position to be talking about fake sounding names. At least mine is an all powerful wizard and not a bland breakfast food." 

Eggsy gaped at him. None of the staff ever talked back to him. He wasn't sure whether to be pissed off or impressed. "Is my dad paying you to be a cheeky bastard as well?" 

"What your father is or isn't paying me to do is between him and me. Not you. Now, go take your morning shower and I'll have the day's clothing laid out for you out here. Your father also requested you shave. Will you require any assistance with that?" 

"I think I can manage on my own, mate. Thanks." 

Eggsy rolled his eyes and stalked off to the bathroom. It usually took him a few days to absolutely hate the valets his father picked out, but Merlin had done a good job of starting them off on the wrong foot. Eggsy didn't appreciate his valet being an arrogant bastard who needed to be reminded of his position. He drew himself a bath just because he could and took the time to text his best friend Roxy about his new predicament. He knew she'd just scold him, but it's worth a try anyway. 

{sms to Roxy Bae} Dad got a new valet for me. Hate him already 

(sms from Roxy Bae} Play nice, Eggsy

{sms to Roxy Bae} I am! He claims his name is Merlin and then he made fun of my name. Tell me you wouldn't hate him immediately too?

(sms from Roxy Bae) It's not his fault your name is so easy to make fun of. Tho Merlin is a weird name, I'll give you that

(sms to Roxy Bae} Ugh you're the worst best friend ever. See if I ever invite you out for cocktails ever again

(sms from Roxy Bae) Love you too, Eggsy :)

Eggsy groaned and tossed his phone across to the other side of the room. Bloody useless, she was. They'd been best friends for years, which was probably why they rarely ever consoled each other and more often than not, just made fun of each other's problems. He wouldn't trade her for the world, but he did wish he had someone to whine to. Someone who wouldn't be a smartass in return. And the chances of Roxy not being a smartass? They were slim to none. Maybe he could find some other friend to whine to. For now, he finished washing off his hair and got up off the tub. He wrapped a towel around his waist and went back into his bedroom. His clothes for the day were laid out on top of his bed, though Merlin was nowhere in sight. He grabbed the polo shirt, but discarded the trousers in favor of a pair of jeans. 

Merlin was still nowhere in sight when Eggsy's finished getting dressed. Eggsy took the opportunity to duck into his father's office. Lee could always be counted on to be in his office and sure enough, he was seated at his computer when Eggsy walked in, typing away and working through paperwork. For all the work Lee was always doing, he was always mindful to not neglect his family. He closed his laptop and turned his chair to face Eggsy. 

"Good morning, son. Good to see you up before noon," Lee remarked, smirking. 

Eggsy rolled his eyes and went to sit at the edge of his father's desk. "Then you ask where I get my cheek from. But yeah, that lovely new valet you hired woke me. Honestly, Dad, where do you find these guys? He was a twat. Rude little fuck, wasn't he?" 

"Eggsy. Language," Lee scolded, rolling his eyes. Lee used to never mind Eggsy's swearing. Not until he'd done it in the middle of a speech at some gala. "And good. I'm glad he was a bit rude. I hired him precisely because I thought he might be able to bring you and your attitude down a notch." 

"You're paying someone to be disrespect to me?" Eggsy scoffed. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! C'mon, fire him. If you're going to insist on hiring me a valet, at least make it a good one." 

"I'm your father, Eggsy. I'll hire whoever I damn well please." 

"Or what? Not like you can pull the 'I'll send you to military school' card again. Bit too old for that." 

"I'll cut off your allowance. You know I will." 

Eggsy scowled and hopped off his father's desk. This was stupid enough that it didn't warrant a response from him. He stalked out of the office and back to his bedroom. Merlin was back in the bedroom waiting, which didn't do much to improve Eggsy's mood. He hadn't wanted a valet in the first place, much less a cheeky one. 

It was all Eggsy could do not to sneer at him. "I'm not doing anything that requires a valet all morning long. You can go... do whatever it is valets do in their freetime." 

"I'm afraid your father's paying me to tag along with you everywhere, not just your formal events. I'll wait in the car, if it pleases you. But I shan't be leaving you to go off on your own," Merlin said, shaking his head. 

"And then he says you're not my babysitter," Eggsy muttered under his breath, shaking his head. "Fucking ridiculous." 

"Are you going out like you said or are you planning on just standing there and whining?" 

"Cheeky bastard." 

Eggsy wound up spending the morning and early afternoon in Roxy's house. Merlin drove him there, as per his father's request. Merlin had also stayed in the car the entire time, as per Eggsy's request. He'd made sure to sit near a window as he and Roxy drank their tea and shared their gossip. Near the window, he could keep an eye on the car and keep hoping that Merlin would leave him be. Even if just for a few hours. No such, luck, though. 

"How long do you reckon it'll be before this one quits as well?" Roxy asked. She helped him gather his things to go home again. "They all quit eventually." 

"I want to say a week, but apparently, Dad's paying him to treat me like shit." Eggsy made a face to show his disdain. "So maybe he'll stick around a bit longer because of that. It's a rough deal." 

Roxy, as any good best friend, just laughed at his misery. "Rough? I'd say it's a pretty fair trade off for anyone that has to deal with you all day. I wish your dad paid me to treat you like shit." 

"You're the worst friend!" Eggsy can't help but laugh, though. They'd been friends since they'd both been in diapers. They were like siblings, and just like real siblings, they're always bickering. 

"You know you love me, Eggsy. Go off and bother your valet instead of me, why don't you?" She smirked and sent him off with a pat on the shoulder. 

Eggsy flipped her off before taking his things from her (as well as some leftover biscuits for Daisy) and went back out to the car. Merlin unlocked the door as he approached and Eggsy plopped down in the backseat. He's still annoyed, but some time with Roxy had left him in a substantially better mood than when he'd first gotten up in the morning. 

"Guess you were serious about staying the entire time. That's horribly annoying," Eggsy remarked. 

"You can take that up with your father if you have that much of a problem with it." Merlin started the car to drive them back home. "Trust me, there's plenty of things I'd rather be doing than babysitting a spoiled little boy."

"I'm not a little boy!" Eggsy snapped. Merlin offered no reply, which only further frustrated Eggsy. He tugged his phone out of his pocket and sulked in the backseat. "Fine, whatever. Didn't want to talk to you, anyway." 

Eggsy wasn't sure what bothered him more: Merlin ignoring him or how much it had gotten to him.

 

 

  
                                                                                                                              ----

 

 

It had only taken a few days for Merlin to realize that the best strategy to use against Eggsy is just to ignore him and his whining. Eggsy absolutely hated how much he let it get to him, especially since he didn't give a fuck about Merlin's opinion. Merlin was nothing more than the annoying babysitter his parents had hired for him. There was no reason for Eggsy to care about Merlin and his opinion. It wasn't until a few weeks into Merlin's employment that he began to rethink his feelings towards Merlin. 

Eggsy had a weekend routine. Friday through Sunday, he could always be found at some club or house party. Try as he might, and even with Roxy at more parties than not, he didn't always make the wisest of choices at these parties. He drank too much, stayed out too late, got a bit too wild. His parents had hoped he'd mellow out as he went into his twenties, but on the contrary, he'd only grown harder to handle and more likely to find himself into trouble and fights. His last valet had actually quit when he'd received a black eye after finding himself in the middle of one of Eggsy's brawls. 

The fights were never Eggsy's fault. He'd stand by that. He couldn't be blamed for the types of people who frequented the clubs Eggsy went to. They were annoying wankers and all Eggsy ever did was defend himself. Of course, his parents rarely ever saw things the same way they did. They just saw potential scandals and the risk of not getting on the next Sunday's social pages. However, his parents had never had to deal with Charlie fucking Hesketh. 

Charlie had a knack for for cornering Eggsy when he was on his way out. "Unwin!" he called out, smirking as he swaggered over to cross paths with Eggsy near the exit. "Word around here is your parents hired you another valet. What is that? The eight? Ninth? I can't say I'm surprised. There isn't enough money in the world to convince me to spend time with you. I suppose even the plebs feel the same." 

"What's wrong, Hesketh? Couldn't find some bird blind enough to go home with you?" Eggsy sneered. He quickened his pace, hoping to avoid a confrontation past just a few insults tossed in each other's direction. 

Charlie scoffed. "I'm not the one leaving the club before even midnight. Oh, I know! Mummy and Daddy must have a curfew on you. That's why you need your valet driving you around. everywhere."

"Fuck off." Eggsy stepped around him and out onto the sidewalk. If he hustled, he could make it out to the car before Charlie had a chance to make it worse. 

Unfortunately, Charlie beat him to it. Before Eggsy could duck away into the waiting car, he was shoved down to the ground. He was ashamed to admit that he went down like a rock. A mixture of being unprepared and having one too many drinks. He fell on his side with a grunt and immediately moved his arms up to cover his face and neck. He waited anxiously for Charlie to kick him or spit on him or punch him or whatever he could come up with. The blow never came.

Instead, Eggsy heard the sound of flesh hitting flesh closely followed by Charlie squealing and scampering away. It was the greatest sound Eggsy'd ever heard in his life. He couldn't wait to have a laugh with Roxy about it. He figured it was one of his mates who'd happened to be wandering by, but when he sat up, there were no friends in sight. There was no one but Merlin standing above him. 

"Bloody hell, Merlin, was that you that punched Charlie?" Eggsy gawked up at Merlin. Bald, old, scrawny Merlin. Merlin who was a loser, an absolute dork, the bane of Eggsy's existence. 

Merlin shrugged. Just fucking shrugged like if he'd only just set a kettle on the stove or something. "Your parents may have mentioned your tendecy to get into fights once or twice during my interview." He bent down to help Eggsy to his feet and wiped some of the London grime off the back of Eggsy's jacket. With a firm hand, he led Eggsy back to the car. "Come on, you. Time to get you home." 

Eggsy was still too baffled to fight it. He just followed along until he was buckled into the backseat of his car. "Merlin! You should have mentioned you could punch out a Hesketh. I would have brought you along a long time ago." 

"I don't intend to encourage this," Merlin warned, rolling his eyes. "I'm your valet, not your personal body guard." 

"But Merlin!" Eggsy whined. "C'mon, what else can you do? That was totally hot. Who else can you punch for me?" 

"Totally hot?" Merlin repeated back to him, looking at Eggsy through the rearview mirror. 

Eggsy's cheeks burned and he looked away. He wasn't blackout drunk, but apparently he was tipsy enough to not be entirely aware of what he was saying. "You know what I mean. Hot as in like... You know." 

Merlin smirked. "I'm afraid the only hot that comes to mind is of attraction levels. Unless you were referring to the weather?" 

"Maybe I was!" Eggsy snapped back, slouching in his seat. 

"All right, Eggsy." Merlin laughed, starting the car and pulling away from the club. He headed in the direction of their home. "Let's go with that if it makes you feel better."

 

 

                                                                                                                  ----

 

 

They hadn't mentioned the hot incident again after that night. It's a small blessing for Eggsy. He'd gone from detesting him to noticing some rather naughty details practically overnight. Eggsy wasn't sure how he hadn't noticed all the little things before. Or more accurately, how his dick hadn't taken notice. Like how snug Merlin's trousers were around the seat of his pants. Or the faint outlines of lean muscle that Eggsy could spot through Merlin's shirts. Eggsy had to admit, drunk him sort of had a point. 

He had his family standards to uphold, though, and that didn't include sleeping with his valet. So he'd never act on it. Unless, of course, he got into one of his frequent arguments with his parents and decided he couldn't care less about upholding his family name. Those times happened often enough that all Eggsy had to do was sit back and wait for his mother or father to inevitably send him off on a bout of rebellion. 

He didn't have to wait too long, as just a few weeks later, he got into one of his petty arguments with his parents. Eggsy spent all evening sulking and by the time his parents had gone to bed, he'd come up with his plan. Merlin was off duty, surely down in his quarters. It was simple. Eggsy would just go down and... well, seduce him or something. He hadn't really thought out all the details of it. 

Everyone was asleep already, so Eggsy was able to head downstairs without anyone interrupting him. He didn't come down here often, but it didn't take him too long to find Merlin's room. He barged in without bothering to knock. He'd been expecting to find Merlin sitting and doing nothing or maybe reading. Instead, he found Merlin watching old episodes of Star Trek. That was even nerdier than what Eggsy could have expected. 

Eggsy snorted. "Are you watching Star Trek? Seriously?" 

"I'm off the clock right now, Eggsy. What are you doing down here?" he asked, sighing. 

His plan of seduction felt silly now. So Eggsy just shrugged. "Got bored. Your job to keep me entertained, isn't it?" 

"No. It really isn't. But you can catch the second half of this episode with me, if you'd like," Merlin offered, getting up from his chair and moving to sit on the edge of his bed. 

Eggsy hesitated before nodding and taking a seat. "Yeah, sure. Thanks, Merlin." 

"Of course." 

Merlin didn't say much, just raised the volume on the telly and sat back as the episode played. Eggsy only half payed attention and he was surprised to realize he was disappointed when the episode came to an end. They hadn't done much more than just sit there together, He stayed quiet and hoped it would be on autoplay and Merlin wouldn't notice their promised time had come to an end. 

Of course, though, Merlin wasn't unobservant. "I do believe that's the end of the second half we'd agreed on." 

"Oh, c'mon. One more episode won't hurt," Eggsy insisted.

"Contrary to what you may think, I don't get my energy from catering to your every whim. I do actually need sleep." Merlin rolled his eyes and stood up. He went to the door to hold it open for Eggsy as he gestured for him to leave.

"One more and I'll move your shift tomorrow back until noon." 

That got Merlin listening. He paused, considered it. After a moment he nodded and closed the door. "Fine. All right. Let's do that. I have to change for bed, though. So look away for a minute, yes?" 

"Nothing I've never seen," Eggsy scoffed. He tried to pull it off as his usual petulant attitude. He couldn't have Merlin knowing that the real reason behind his interest was his curiosity as to what was underneath Merlin's uniform. 

Merlin rolled his eyes but complied as he undressed and changed his trousers for a pair of sleeping pants. There wasn't a pyjama shirt in sight, though. Just Merlin's bare chest. Even after having seen him punch Charlie, Eggsy had expected Merlin to be skinny and scrawny and tiny. That couldn't have been further from the trip. Eggsy had to wonder where Merlin found all the extra time to hit them gym, because there was no way he'd just woken up one day with pecs and biceps. That wasn't something that came naturally. 

"You're staring, Eggsy," Merlin commented, sitting back down. 

Eggsy had the decency to look away sheepishly. "You're about as ripped as I am. What the fuck, Merlin? You're like sixty. You're meant to be either fat or scrawny."

"I'm not sixty, actually. Thanks for that. Very flattering, Eggsy. I'm allowed to say whatever I'd like when I'm off duty, correct? Yes? Well, shut up and just appreciate William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy." 

Eggsy did his best to comply, but that was hard to do with Merlin right there for him to stare at. He had to wonder why he'd never made his way down here before. There were weeks of missed opportunities behind him. He only managed about ten minutes of pretending to watch the episode before getting up and plopping down on the bed next to Merlin. 

Merlin looked at him questioningly. "Any reason you've abandoned your seat in favor of coming to bother me?" 

"It's more comfortable here. More comfortable than that dumb chair. So move over and give me some space." Eggsy smirked at him to hide his sheepishness and squeezed closer. 

Merlin looked at him suspiciously, but complied as he moved over for Eggsy to have some more space. Eggsy settled back against the pillows, sneaking glances at Merlin every so often. This was ridiculous. He felt like a horny sixteen year old all over again. He was even pulling all the old tricks he'd used as a teenager. He was scooting closer, pressing their legs against each other, creeping his hand until it was laying on top of Merlin's hand. All that stupid bullshit he'd done to get girls in his bed when he was a kid. Merlin didn't protest or pull away, which Eggsy took as a good sign. A sign to keep moving forward. 

During a lull in the episode - because Eggsy was sure that Merlin was nerdy enough to get mad if Eggsy interrupted any of the good bits of Star Trek - Eggsy made his final move and leaned over to kiss him. And just like that, it changed on a dime. Merlin frowned and pulled back abruptly, even going as far as to stand up off the bed. Eggsy suspected part of that was so Merlin could look down at him and make Eggsy feel even smaller and stupider. 

"Lad, I'm not quite sure what you think you're doing," he said. 

Eggsy hesitated before sheepishly answering, "Um... kissing you? So, um, we could... do some more afterward?" 

"I'm your much older valet, Eggsy. In case you've forgotten." Merlin frowned and looked genuinely concerned for a moment as he crouched closer. "Are you on something, Eggsy?"

"What? No! I just think you're fit and wanted to... do something about it." It sounded dumb now that Eggsy had to say it out loud, but he kept going. It would only sound dumber if he stopped halfway through. "C'mon, it's not that big of a deal. We're both consenting adults and my parents are never going to find out!" 

"Eggsy. I've said no. We're not doing this. I'm not having a one night stand with my boss," Merlin insisted, grabbing a random shirt off his floor and putting it on. He paused Star Trek and opened the door for Eggsy. "Off you go. Back up to your bedroom." 

"What if... What if it's not a one night stand? Do I get a chance then?" Eggsy asked slowly, standing up. 

It was Merlin's turn to hesitate before answering. "Perhaps you do. We can discuss it over dinner tomorrow, if you'd like. On you of course." 

"That sounds like a plan," Eggsy agreed, laughing. "Tomorrow at seven. I'd say I'll come pick you up, but you'll probably be the one getting me dressed anyway." 

"An unfortunate fact." Merlin nodded. As Eggsy walked by to head out the door, he grabbed his wrist and pulled him close to give him a brief kiss. He smiled and patted Eggsy's shoulder. "Go off to bed, Eggsy. I'll see you in the morning." 

Eggsy walked off as he heard the door close behind him. He had no idea what he was getting into. He had enough money in his bank account to get any girl he wanted in much less effort than dinner. He wouldn't have even had to sit through some Star Trek to get laid by anyone else if he wanted to. Yet here he was, already mentally planning all the logistics for a night of fine dining with the same valet he'd hated just a few weeks earlier. Eggsy had no idea what he was getting into. One thing was for sure, though. He'd stopped looking for just a quick lay the second he'd made arrangements past just a suggestive wink and shake of his hips. How his valet had managed to get to him like this, he had no idea. Either way, Eggsy was guaranteed to be absolutely fucked. In the best of ways, of course.

**Author's Note:**

> cutie pies omg you know Eggsy takes him to some over the top fancy place that they both hate so they wind up ditching halfway through and go get mcdonalds or something
> 
> maybe I'll write a sequel someday


End file.
